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5/11/11

Mothers Day

Since 2002 I have dreaded the holiday. In '09 it got a little bit better when I was expecting Abigail, & looking forward to experiencing motherhood myself.

I think Less Cake, More Frosting explains it just about right:

...what I DON'T enjoy is that not everyone loves this holiday.  Nor does it seem like a celebration for some amazing women.
  • Some of my dear friends have lost their Mothers (some very prematurely) and Mother's Day is a sad reminder that they don't have that person here with them on this earth. 
  • Some of my other friends do not have children of their own.  While some people choose not to become Mother's, these sweet women YEARN to have children.  Every second.  Of every day.  And this holiday seems like it's mocking them.
  • Some others have sent their children back to heaven.  And this day makes them aware that their arms are a little bit empty.
Mothers Day is HARD. I love being a mother, but Mothers day is yet another day that makes me ache for what I don't have. A mom. Becoming a mom both eased that ache and amplified it, all at the same time.

On one hand, I can be so thankful that I have a child, and have the huge responsibility of raising her-and that makes me think of all the things I want her to know, want to pass down to her.

On the other hand, I will never have an adult relationship with my mom, looking to her for advice and wisdom--as a sort of peer, as a friend. I didn't the chance to have my mom to stay with me in the first few weeks of having a screaming newborn, reassuring me that I was capable, and that everything would be okay. As time goes by I think about all the important things she has missed. She didn't see me or my brother get married, she didn't get to see any of her 3 grandkids. She's missed high school and college graduations. The list goes on and on. Every milestone, every big event, I think about her.
I wonder how life would've been different if she were still here.

I grieve the fact that Abbie will never know her. I worry that I'm forgetting too much about her. I wonder how in the world I can share her legacy with my family...and hope that I can live up to be the woman she had hoped I'd be, and prayed for.

Happy Mothers Day Momma. We sure do miss you.

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